and I'm back

I fell off of the face of the earth for a while. Work is very busy with everyone wanting to get their charitable deductions for 2006. Christmas is in 5 days, so that is exciting! I can't wait to play with my new digital camera :)

So the verdict came in on the trial: Michael Thorpe, guilty of 7 of 9 counts; Webster Wilson guilty of 6 of 9 counts and Kevin Huckabee guilty of 3 of 9 counts. They all have mandatory life sentences plus 30-40 extra years because of the felony murder charge. I am happy but in a weird way. I am happy that justice happened and I do hope they spend the next 70 years thinking about what they did. It doesn't bring Jenn back though, so it is a weird happy. I made myself watch the dvd of her memorial service and the digital story of all of her pictures. I am so glad that I did. I didn't realize how much the media around it all had affected me; I had started to forget the little things that made Jenn so amazing in the first place. I was starting to buy in to all the media hype. Watching those pictures flash on my TV screen reminded me why I loved her so much: the simple carefree way that she lived and how she loved those around her. Everything was a party and everything was worth a laugh. As I was watching the DVD, I had a new type of grief. It was a grief that comes without chaos or fear. This was the first time that I had missed Jenn outside of the context of "what comes next." I have missed all these simple things about her before in the past year, but there was always the thought of trying to be strong for what comes ahead. This time I was simply free to just miss my friend. Untainted, normal grief. And as I was thinking this, the picture of Jenn and I came up onto the screen. The one where we are both in our jerseys and we have the same smile and out hair is the same way. We look like real sisters, so much so that Jenn used to joke that that picture proved that we were meant to be together, our"twin picture." At that moment I was feeling so sad and then I felt a weird pressure on my arms and chest, very sudden and very tight. It was the same feeling of when Jenn used to tackle me with her bear hugs. As when she was alive, she knew when I needed that hug. The ones you love really do never leave you. (Love you, Jenn)

I am working on compiling a book. Actually, I haven't told many people about this plan. Really only my mom. Throughout the past year, Jenn's mother has updated a mailing list of people almost weekly about how things are going. Her emails are eloquent and inspiring. There are lessons in there that have kept me going this year and given me purpose. I have saved all of this correspondence, and I am going to work on pulling it into a book. It will have stories of Jenn, pictures, all of the emails and who knows what else marking the first year without Jenn. I am going to have it bound and give it to some family members and friends, with a special copy just for Coren and Rusty. I hope it will remind them when things are tough just how inspiring they are to so many people.

Back to work. Only one day left at the office before the holidays! Merry Christmas!


I am grateful for:
1) Girl Scout cookies
2) Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (yay!)
3) Going home for Christmas
4) Funny text messages
5) Chance to see old friends