and I'm back

I fell off of the face of the earth for a while. Work is very busy with everyone wanting to get their charitable deductions for 2006. Christmas is in 5 days, so that is exciting! I can't wait to play with my new digital camera :)

So the verdict came in on the trial: Michael Thorpe, guilty of 7 of 9 counts; Webster Wilson guilty of 6 of 9 counts and Kevin Huckabee guilty of 3 of 9 counts. They all have mandatory life sentences plus 30-40 extra years because of the felony murder charge. I am happy but in a weird way. I am happy that justice happened and I do hope they spend the next 70 years thinking about what they did. It doesn't bring Jenn back though, so it is a weird happy. I made myself watch the dvd of her memorial service and the digital story of all of her pictures. I am so glad that I did. I didn't realize how much the media around it all had affected me; I had started to forget the little things that made Jenn so amazing in the first place. I was starting to buy in to all the media hype. Watching those pictures flash on my TV screen reminded me why I loved her so much: the simple carefree way that she lived and how she loved those around her. Everything was a party and everything was worth a laugh. As I was watching the DVD, I had a new type of grief. It was a grief that comes without chaos or fear. This was the first time that I had missed Jenn outside of the context of "what comes next." I have missed all these simple things about her before in the past year, but there was always the thought of trying to be strong for what comes ahead. This time I was simply free to just miss my friend. Untainted, normal grief. And as I was thinking this, the picture of Jenn and I came up onto the screen. The one where we are both in our jerseys and we have the same smile and out hair is the same way. We look like real sisters, so much so that Jenn used to joke that that picture proved that we were meant to be together, our"twin picture." At that moment I was feeling so sad and then I felt a weird pressure on my arms and chest, very sudden and very tight. It was the same feeling of when Jenn used to tackle me with her bear hugs. As when she was alive, she knew when I needed that hug. The ones you love really do never leave you. (Love you, Jenn)

I am working on compiling a book. Actually, I haven't told many people about this plan. Really only my mom. Throughout the past year, Jenn's mother has updated a mailing list of people almost weekly about how things are going. Her emails are eloquent and inspiring. There are lessons in there that have kept me going this year and given me purpose. I have saved all of this correspondence, and I am going to work on pulling it into a book. It will have stories of Jenn, pictures, all of the emails and who knows what else marking the first year without Jenn. I am going to have it bound and give it to some family members and friends, with a special copy just for Coren and Rusty. I hope it will remind them when things are tough just how inspiring they are to so many people.

Back to work. Only one day left at the office before the holidays! Merry Christmas!


I am grateful for:
1) Girl Scout cookies
2) Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (yay!)
3) Going home for Christmas
4) Funny text messages
5) Chance to see old friends

whoa stress

Wow, I had a great post all typed out and then it went away when I clicked a link in my email. Awesome. I will try to recreate it tomorrow.

Grateful for today:
1) my new down vest that the YL committee gave me for Christmas
2) the joke in my email this morning from Tim that was hilarious (here is the link)
3) catching up on all my admin stuff at work
4) babysitting my cute little boys tonight, maybe they will make me smile
5) that I figured out how to color insert on a black and white pic on my camera.

trials

I am back after a long and fun weekend! Saw my favorite bar band Poolstick, you can check them out here. They are amazing! And Jessica, Amy, Paige and I go every time they come to Macon, so they came and introduced themselves to us between sets. They are great guys! They invited us to come see them in Atlanta, which we will definitely have to do.

So the musings of today: it seems like trials can take many different forms. They could be actual trials in the justice system to small hurdles to huge challenges. And sometimes it seems that they just come in succession. One trial ends and another begins. It is like the circle of stress.

As of Friday, I ended one trial in my life. Grad school. That was a bad idea to begin with. I finished two sessions of classes (4 classes total) and decided that online classes are njust not for me. So I quit. I don't really need that Masters anyway. Maybe later in life. So there is one trial out of the way.

Then today starts a bigger trial, an actual trial. The murder trial of Jennifer Ross starts today in Savannah with jury selection. Jenn was my grandlittle in Chi Omega at Mercer. She was shot on Christmas Eve 2005 and passed away a week later on New Years Day 2006. Three men are being charged with her murder. The emotions that come along with this are unlike any I have ever experienced. I am trying to create a balance for myself on how much media coverage I read of the trial. I want to be informed, but I don't want to make myself even more upset. A balancing act. If you want to read the article about jury selection today, click here. The best I can do is hope that justice will prevail. There is a prayer chain to support Jenn's family which I am a part of. I have also written my own prayer that I will be keeping in my pocket and on my desk at work until the verdict is read. Here it is, feel free to use it as your own:

Lord, please put your touch on the Jenn Ross trial today. There are so many things that we can be thankful for leading up to this moment. New friendships and second families, new awareness in Savannah about safety and new awareness in Georgia about trauma centers. The most important is a new perspective for all of us who have been touched by Jenn’s life and by her death. A new perspective on just how precious the life You gave us is and just how quickly it can be taken away. I thank you for what I have learned in the past year. That makes this time even scarier. With everything I have learned, I am still learning how to forgive. I ask your strength to know that I can learn to forgive these people who took Jenn from the people who loved her. I constantly need reminding that judgment and justice does not come from us but only from You. Please guide the trial today: help the judge and jury to be honest and fair, help those who have to testify to do so without fear and to do so honestly. In all aspects of what may occur in that courtroom today, let it reflect You. I pray for justice in whatever form it may take. Give us all the strength to get through this and to hold our heads high. Most importantly, I pray for Coren, Rusty, and Joseph. This is an especially hard time in their lives and nothing that anyone should ever be put through. I pray that you give them the strength and comfort that only comes from your love. Allow us as their friends and family to build them up through these coming weeks. For all of us who have an emotional stake in these proceedings, hold us close as we experience emotions that we may have never felt before. Lord, you are merciful and loving and it is through you that all of these prayers from so many people in the coming weeks will be answered. Amen.

Things I am grateful for today:
1) That prayer has already been comforting today, Day 1 of the trial
2) I get to give the talk at YoungLife club tonight
3) I won a free menu item at Joshua Cup!
4) Veggie Soup from Sid's
5) It is the end of the workday!

Was angry, now Christmas-y

I woke up today feeling very angry. Just in an all out pissy mood. I wish I liked to run because this morning was one of those times that it would have been nice to run just to blow off some steam. By the time I got to work, I was over it, which is probably a good thing!

Tonight is Christmas decorating night! Growing up, my family never made a big deal about Christmas. My mom wanted to, but my dad was never really into it. This being my first year officially out on my own without a 3 week Christmas break, I have decided to have my own Christmas tree and to decorate my apartment for the first time. Time for me to start my own traditions. So, my tree is up with just the lights on and my ornaments from Jenn that her mom gave me after she passed away last year. Tonight though, my YoungLife kids are coming over for some serious Christmas craziness. Tree decorating, chicken stew and biscuits, and lots of corny Christmas songs. I have all of my ornaments that have been on my parents' tree for the past 21 years and it is time for me to do it on my own. This tree seems very symbolic right now. New tree with a mix of old and new ornaments feels like me; a new independent person out on my own with a mixture of values, goals and ideas that are part brand new and part rooted in the past.

Merry Christmas! As I figure out this blogging thing, I will post a picture of my tree!

Grateful for today:
1) That the sun came back out after a gross morning
2) Amy and Carla
3) my shiny, clean apartment
4) that I will be done with grad school tomorrow!
5) a funny phone conversation last night

Gratitude Journal

I read this quote in a column in the newspaper and it was mildly inspirational:

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch heaven."-Johannes A. Gaertner

Couple that quotation with this other one from the same columnist about keeping a journal of gratitude: "If you give thanks for five gifts every day, in two months you may not look at your life in the same way as you might now." -Sarah Ban Breathnach

So I like that idea, so for the next two months I am going to try giving thanks for five gifts everyday. Maybe that will cheer this winter slump that I am in.

Gifts that I am thankful for today:
1. Coren (the mother of a deceased friend who in the wake of Jenn's death I have gotten to know and love)
2. Quirky coworkers
3. Flannel sheets and down comforter for chilly weather
4. My daddy for picking me fresh oranges before I left Florida
5. Mr. Jackson, the security guard that holds an elevator for me every morning

Starting a blog!

So I am going to try starting a blog! I have never done this before and it is going to be primarily for my own amusement and to chronicle what life is like post college. I will try to give some thought to being violently thrown out into the real world.

A few reasons for writing a blog:

a) I get bored at work sometimes.
b) I get bored at home sometimes.
c) being post-college is a boring existence.
d) I am trying to figure out where my life is going next. I figure it might be fun to track the journey.
e) I am going to try to make some changes in my life and I need a way to keep track of them.
f) I get to put my random thoughts out into cyberspace where probably no one will read them. (This is oddly satisfying)
g) everybody has that itch to try writing. I don't really have that itch b/c I am not good at writing. With a blog it just doesn't matter.

So I am off into the world of blogging. Here we go.